I am here; here I am

Summer has been great. My days are busy and my weekends satisfying. But busier still is my mind, and I find I can’t keep certain thoughts out of my head. Certain thoughts about certain people, spending up to several hours poring over ideas and memories and things that don’t even exist. I don’t know if I’m alone in this problem, but I definitely feel safe assuming that I would get a few raised eyebrows at the thought of getting lost in your own thoughts for hours. I wouldn’t have even thought that was possible a few years ago, but then as I said, you let toxic people into your life, you make a lot of mistakes, you live, you learn, and sometimes you just have a hard time letting go of it all. Even those good memories. Especially those good memories.

I turned to my trusty advisers as I often do in these matters (read: skype with BFFs in Ontario) and got this gem of an idea: developing a mantra, living it, and owning it. It can be as simple as taking a step away from life when it gets overwhelming and just repeating it to yourself, or sitting down for hours meditating over this one mantra. Not surprisingly, this form of repetitive reminding goes back a long way in Islamic tradition (and most others, I’d assume), serving to remind you of God.

It sounds funny that I’d need to be reminded of myself, but I truly do need to be reminded of myself. I often forget about me in the sense that I forget that I’m allowed to have desires, whims, and “to hell with it” moments. And I’m allowed to feel. And I’m allowed not to plan. And I’m also allowed to plan, knowing that despite my planning, God is the best of planners.And most importantly, I’m allowed to–rather, I must–accept myself for exactly what I am and who I am at this very moment. Not who I will be, and definitely not who I was.

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