Same old

I haven’t been updating much, and sorry for that for anyone who is checking for regular updates. I watched an Ellen interview with Emma Watson–pretty much my idol and womancrushwednesday EVERY Wednesday–and she was talking about how she maintains something like 30 journals just to preserve her memories. It’s true that I did start this thing to help me keep track of my thoughts and reflections, whether they seem significant at the time or not.

The main things weighing on my mind are the same as before: clerkship looming in the near future, what I’ll be doing this summer, trying to still maintain a life outside of medicine. With regards to the first, I did get my top choice track meaning I’ll be starting with family, then medicine, then peds. I’m looking forward to it, as terrified as I am. I’m actually looking forward to all the outpatient stuff whether it be family, pediatrics, psych, or any other specialty with a community component. This instinctively tells me I know where I’ll be ending up, ultimately. Likewise, I’m dreading anything that involves spending 60-hour weeks cooped up in a tiny fluorescent-lit ward or OR.

With the second, I know it’s silly but I keep hearing the voice of my Associate Dean back in Orientation Week telling us to use our last summer wisely–“go travel the world… or go get married!” I won’t be doing the first for lack of money and a travel partner, and I won’t be doing the second for lack of… a life partner, hah. It shouldn’t be a pressing concern for me, and I’m quite certain I won’t even have time to think about anyone other than myself for this upcoming clerkship year, and yet it’s still always at the back of my mind.

But anyway, knowing that I won’t be spending my summer getting married, instead I’ll likely look into work or some lowkey electives. I know medical students view money in a different way now, but I feel incredibly uncomfortable spending someone else’s money on my tuition if I’m not doing everything I can to earn in the summer. Hopefully, I can strike a good balance of work and elective time.

I never seem to have a shortage of non-medicine stuff going on, which I’m grateful for. Presently that has meant purchasing my first car (woohoo!) and looking into living away from my parents for the first time. My sister and I are checking out condos, and it’s exciting, and scary, and very preoccupying. But that said, it is incredibly exhilarating to be getting first tastes of independence in aspects that many of my peers have had for at least 2, if not 4 years now. Even further from medicine is my Islamic studies on the weekends, which I’ve had to cut down to only one class and put a hold on Arabic, unfortunately. It’s sad because it’s where I feel most at home, and where I feel my best as a human being. Sitting in scholarly circles and just spending time with people of good character makes a huge impact on you as a person, and I’m more upset about losing company than I am about losing the Arabic training.

They keep telling us that this career means sacrifices, right? I mean, that 2-year preclinical comprehensive isn’t going to study for itself.

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