Bon Iver

I wish I could say I was doing better, that I’m hanging in there, that I’m chugging along these last few weeks. But yesterday was terrible. Today was almost as bad. I am consumed with feelings of inadequacy, incompetency, and overwhelming loneliness. Overwhelming. They told us this profession would do that to us. I guess I didn’t believe it, or at least not this early in the game.

It takes me two hours to get out of bed. I think about losses and missed opportunities and wasted time. I worry about the comp, rotations, working 10 hour days being pimped on things I know absolutely nothing about, coming home and studying, marriage, jealousy, work/life balance. I get teary frequently and my solution has been studying in public and avoiding being alone as much as possible. I make list after list of what I need to accomplish and then ignore the lists because of the overwhelming amount I have to do. I procrastinate to the point that 80% of what should be study time is wasted, or that’s what it feels like, at least. I feel in myself signs that I warn others about when I feel concerned about depression. It’s contextual, and it’s short term, and it’s probably going to go away–for me. But it sucks for as long as it’s sticking around. It really sucks.

And the loneliness, well, it has a lot to do with being female. Girls suck at maintaining friendships after they get married or get into a relationship of any kind. I feel neglected by my female friends who have a significant other, and those who don’t are getting to be at that age when it’s all that’s on their mind. So they’re just spending all their time and energy finding one. There is little sisterhood anymore, little personal development, little bonding. Just a lot of marriage talk, wedding talk, engagement talk, and all the petty jealousies to go with them–reminders of singledom. Moreover, I don’t have anyone to call a best friend living here in my city. My closest friends are the long distance ones who still make time in their day to maintain our friendship over text and skype, but it’s not enough. Sometimes I want a tangible best friend sitting beside me in the flesh who I can hug and go to the movies with and sleep over at her house. That realisation in itself has been a big tragedy.

In all of this, though I know it’s probably bad for me, all I want to do is be alone.

What might have been lost
What might have been lost
What might have been lost
Don’t bother me

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