January, again

I started off the year feeling almost pretty great. I was done the hardest rotation and I knew everything would be looking up: school, relationships, friends, spirituality, and the length of daylight hours. Everything on the horizon was looking not too shabby. But over the course of the month I feel like I’ve been beaten with a tiny mallet, not one of those big whack-a-mole ones, but a little one that’s beating me over the head, slowly but surely, driving my patience and resolve and sanity out through my ears.

To be totally honest, I kind of dread going to work everyday. And this is on one of the easiest rotations and the easiest part of the rotation–clinic. I start late, I do checkups, I get home at a not-so-ungodly hour, and yet I still hate it. Maybe I hate boredom more than I hate waking up early. Because I know I enjoyed the first week in the NICU. And I know that I am most definitely bored right now. So hey, maybe it’s not such a bad thing that I’m bored. Maybe this is just helping me discover that I need a little excitement in whatever kind of medicine I end up doing. Maybe this has helped me rule out that well child checkups and generally healthy patients just aren’t my thing. You know, for the past several days as I’ve been meaning to blog, I’ve been thinking how awful of a medical student I am to be taking for granted such an easy few weeks, hating my life when so many people are dying to be in my shoes. I never thought until just now, writing this post, that hey, maybe I’m not a horrible person/doctor for feeling bored. Maybe boring is a completely acceptable feeling for surgeons, ER docs, ICU docs, obstetricians, and the like. Just gathering these thoughts has made me feel a ton better 🙂

But aside from school, sucky things still suck. It still sucks to have a bunch of your classmates hate on you for your facebook opinions. It still sucks to have the one person you’ve become accustomed to telling everything to, blurting out your thoughts and feelings, suddenly have no interest in talking to you. It still sucks to have little motivation to pray five times a day, and to have even that drained out of you when you have to find clever excuses to sneak out of work duties (one can only go to the bathroom so many times before looking suspicious). And it sucks to have all these things constantly weighing on your mind, dwelling on sadness, dwelling on loneliness, and not feeling calm and at peace for even a moment in the day. I used to be one to love and enjoy my prayers, as that is exactly what they should be: a few minutes of silence, reflection, escaping reality, and remembering what’s important (hint: not anything in this world). So what’s the point of even praying when all your mind wanders off to is the same duties and lists of things you have to do?

All I can really say for myself is, I’m going to try to work on it–and by “it” I mean everything from prayers to politeness with classmates to repairing broken relationships–and I’m going to count the days until January is over. As silly as it is, there’s really something about this month that gets me down.

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