To the man I used to know

We saw each other on accident and it just about broke me apart. That night I came home and couldn’t stop smiling, couldn’t sleep out of how happy I was. The next day all I could think about was when I’d see you again. Today I’m devastated knowing I probably won’t.

You haven’t done anything wrong. None of this is through any fault of yours. I’m sorry I’m so angry at you all the time. I know you don’t deserve it.

I thought you had regressed, and I was using it as fuel for my anger to help get over you. I thought that when I met you, you were way more mature than a 20-something year old kid should be because of everything you’d been through; when I last tried to get a hold of you, you sounded more like a 15 year old. I watched you want less from life and care more about stupid videos on facebook. I watched you stop caring about a future family and wife. I thought, finally, here’s proof he’s actually an immature brat and I can move on with life.

But when we talked I knew none of that was true. I knew you were as deep and pensive and complex as you’ve always been.

I’m so glad you came up behind me and started talking like everything was normal and filled in gaps of silence instead of taking the opportunity to leave. For that day I am truly grateful.

You smelled good, like you always do.

I want you to truly, sincerely ask yourself if that day and that conversation didn’t resonate a tiny old something in you from before, if it hasn’t changed the light in which you see me even a little bit.

You always say you wish we could be friends and I hope you know how damaging that is to me. Please stop telling me how much you like me as a person. Please stop threatening your level of communication with me against how much of your expectations I fulfill.

I want you to know that your words have weight and your promises should be worth their weight in gold. I know that after me, you won’t take these things lightly anymore.

I want you to know that you are the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me.

I want you to know that I am probably going to see a therapist for all this.

I pray to God every day that He doesn’t attach my heart to someone who’s not written for me.

I hope He forgives me if I am pursuing it anyway.

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