This time four years ago, I was interviewing for medical schools, consumed with uncertainty about my future, pining over a guy who didn’t want me, and leaning on a guy who did give me the attention I wanted, even if he was my second choice.
Today I’m on my first flight out to a residency interview in Halifax, will be on my fabulous 3-week CaRMS tour, hit up every major city from St. John’s to Vancouver, and until recently was pining over the same guy who, way back when, was my second choice. My second choice became my first choice, and then my only choice, the only possible thing I could see as far as I could make out on the horizon. Until recently, I allowed it to consume me the same way uncertainty had defined my life back then; I became so sure, so damn sure, that he was it, that I was ready to plan my entire life around it. It had to be him. It had to be the future we had dreamed about back then, and I wasn’t willing to listen to any evidence or reason to the contrary, even when that reason was he’s just not that into you.
Today, I like to think I’m a tiny bit more reasonable than I was four years ago, or even two short weeks ago. Maybe the experience of someone new and exciting is all it takes to open your eyes. But more importantly, maybe the experience of someone new can lead you to realise how much you had allowed something to start rotting inside you, like a necrotizing fasciitis that’s taken over the entire gastrointestinal tract. Maybe you just need to die a little inside and see how unhealthy you’ve allowed yourself to become, before you can finally seek treatment.
After all, if the treatment is someone who can send goodnight texts and good morning texts without fail, someone who is fascinatingly mature, and wise, and different, then that sounds great to me. I guess it scared me for a long time because rehab is supposed to be absence of all addictive substances and all things like it, after having completed detox successfully. But sometimes detox is only possible when you open yourself up again.
I’m looking forward to some really great things for myself. I’m also looking forward to not making the same mistakes again. Somehow I’m in very similar circumstances yet again, but yes, I think I’m handling this much differently, thank God. What a difference four years can make, hey.