Last night I slept from the hours of 1:30am to 4am. I set my alarm at 4am like I always do for Fajr, got up and prayed, laid down to sleep, and pretty much cursed every bird, every car, and every muted noise I heard until 7am when I forced myself out of bed.
I’ve never ever had trouble sleeping in my life. But for the past few weeks ever since a few days before our comprehensive exam (which I passed with flying colours), I’ve been tossing and turning and waking up with legitimate muscle sprains all over my back and body. If this is what people with anxiety go through on a regular basis, I can’t even imagine a lifetime of it.
I think what is stressing me out is not the LMCC itself, but that compiled with my sister’s wedding, hosting her shower this weekend, finding a place in my new city, actually moving to my new city and being alone for the first time, being a resident in general and the looming feeling of being responsible for people’s lives…. sigh.
Then there’s minutia that never seem to go away, like the research project I just got an email nudge about that I’ve been putting off. And booking electives and vacation time for residency before it’s all gone.
While the past 4 years has been preparing us for these final moments, it’s just never the same hearing about it. Just like a disease in a textbook is never the case in real life. Just like learning in a classroom is not at all like learning on the wards, and just like being a clerk on the wards is going to be nothing at all like being a resident. While juggling adulthood at the same time, for the first time ever.
I’ve really stunted my development as a person by living at home all these years, especially by taking the gratuities and eating my mom’s meals instead of making my own, taking up my dad on his offer to do my laundry for me, etc. It truly did nothing but harm me, because now I not only have a new job and a new city to deal with, I have general adulting responsibilities. I’ll have to budget, and meal prep diligently, and file my own taxes. Things that I know literally nothing about.
I know that the gruelling part of med school has pretty much been over for a while, since there was nothing quite like the long hours of surgery and studying afterwards and OSCEs. I will probably pass the LMCC like 98% of Canadian grads do. But no one prepared us for the mental anguish of graduating, of getting out into the real world. And the possible first of many nights of insomnia that might come with it.