My heart is pounding loudly and uncomfortably in my chest, even though I’m sitting on my bed at 10pm during what’s supposed to be my post-shower relaxing time. I don’t know exactly what’s going on, but I suspect it has to do with the angry text (serial texts) I’ve just sent my sister outlining my busy frustrating day and exasperated that she called twice and texted me a million times during work. Like does she not understand that I am a busy resident being busy on internal medicine trying not to drown in pages and consults and new admissions, and coming home and having the energy to do nothing? Ignoring the fact that I was the one who months ago asked that she be better about reaching out and calling, how does she not get that I’m this busy resident now?
It’s always nice to take even one second to reflect on what was just a moment ago a full on pity party for myself, to realise how obnoxious I sound even thinking these things. I was so upset this evening that I had to stay at the hospital until 6pm (yes I have heard that for certain specialities this is the norm and I shudder to think of what kind of souls chose that life for themselves), that I worked nonstop without a second to answer a text or even take a moment for myself, that I got home and needed a full hour of just lying in my bed feeling sorry for myself and just processing the busy-ness of life today and allowing my brain to do nothing, that by doing so it was past 7 and too late to consider going to the gym when I still needed to cook, and then of course utterly disappointed in myself for now making excuses for so many days in a row, to realising I simply have so much to do between submitting my call requests and booking tickets to Toronto and laundry that hasn’t been done in weeks to returning my library books to groceries, that the gym has to be the last of my concerns for a while, to then going right back to sulking about how damn busy life is these days and why am I still on medicine and when is this all going to be over.
Zooming out a bit, I realise this is a 26 year old who’s matched to a top choice residency program who got into her top choice medical school on the first shot, living in an extremely nice condo by herself with no roommates and financially still doing just fine, earning a salary that’s already above the median wage in this province which is only 1/6th of the income potential she’ll be earning in 5 years, with the privilege of returning home on weekends to loving parents who are still together, to warm welcoming friends who always make fun plans for her arrival, who has no real responsibilities at this stage, no one to account for or look after other than herself, who is stressed out because she doesn’t know how she’s going to fit in all her boring administrative tasks between the two dinner plans she has this week and when she’s going manage the time to go shopping for a $400 desk because that’s been holding her back from studying, and oh if she’ll still have some time to go out and spot the super moon before it’s too late.
This is usually all it takes for me to realise what a goddamn brat I’m being. There is no doubt that residency is challenging, and I’m not simply trying to say that “things could be worse” and therefore my feelings are invalidated. Some days are tough and that is completely and overwhelmingly natural, and I think I just need to remind myself of that. Some days it is difficult to feel happy despite all the beautiful aforementioned blessings. Some days it is okay to regret going into medicine despite it all. Some days it is okay to cry over a boy who really means nothing. Some days it is okay to feel “stressed” by plans with friends rather than eager and excited. And some days on MTU it is totally, totally okay to be reminded that internal medicine is NOT what you signed up for for the rest of your life, and you are so super duper excited for it to be over so you can go back to your regularly scheduled programming in psych rotations.
As long as these days aren’t all consuming and making me regret more days than not, I think that for R1 year I’m still doing pretty good.